Me? Reckless?

Me: Do you think I’m being impulsive right now???

Him: Yes. You’re reckless with money, and it’s the holiday season. We’re spending a lot right now.

It’s true. And it was exactly what he needed to say.

So… I wrote the above about a month ago while I was alone in bed, but it has been sitting in my drafts. I couldn’t finish whatever I was supposed to say because I had a panic attack.

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Let’s see what 2018 has in store for me. I’m feeling pretty positive at this moment. It’s story time!

WARNING: May have some sensitive content/triggers below…

As you all may know, I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, and a bunch of bullshit. I shared a glimpse of it in my previous post, “I’m Back!!!.” I’ve had more downs than ups, unfortunately, but finally having a week off from work last week somewhat gave me the break I needed (It was definitely no vacation, though. I was sick throughout the week–physically, mentally, and emotionally.)

I don’t remember when exactly I started writing the post above, but I saw my psychiatrist days after Thanksgiving. I was a complete wreck. I haven’t been eating or sleeping well. I lost about 10 lbs in maybe two months? (I’m generally healthy and have been more on the underweight side. So weight loss isn’t a good sign for me.) I felt like I was back to square one. Almost two years of medication and therapy, thinking that “this” was only supposed to be temporary, and I STILL feel like shit!? What the hell?? Why do I feel like this? I basically have everything I need. So what the fuck is wrong with me? I want to die. I was having suicidal thoughts. I woke up that day feeling numb. I told my job that I was going to be late for work. I couldn’t get out of bed. My thoughts were racing. I ate a little bit and gave myself time to get ready. When I finally got in my car, all I could think about was crashing it. I broke down, crying, screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK AM I THINKING!?” I ran back inside and told Justin to bring me to the hospital. I was shaking. I couldn’t breathe. I felt crazy. This isn’t normal. He called my doctor and my boss. I can’t go to work today. They told me that everything was gonna be okay. I took my anti-anxiety med, Justin held me tight, and I could finally breathe again. Everything that was built up inside was finally gone. No, not really lol. We increased my maintenance dose and added another anti-depressant to help my sleep and appetite. I was on this medication regimen already before, so I should feel better.

Oh! Now I remember what I was going to write, or at least I think I do. It was about my tattoo. I was being reckless and impulsive with everything, especially financially. I was itching for another tattoo, but I wanted to get my whole back done. I had this unique idea of it, and I remember thinking “I’ll just cash my paycheck and use my credit cards for gifts.” I wasn’t thinking about the consequences at the time until he brought it to my attention. And I wanted to talk about “Faith” and how my tattoo looks like a cross from my perspective. It reminds me to have faith in God and that everything happens for a reason. He has a plan for me. I’m pretty sure I was going to write something along those lines.

They say that it can take about four to six weeks for meds to work. I saw my doctor again on the fourth week. And I told him what I’ve said before, “Doc, I think I’m bipolar.” I’m bipolar depressive. I have the symptoms, like it’s spot on by textbook definition. (Click here for more info about bipolar disorder) Basically, I have these intense mood swings, but more lows (depression) than highs (mania). My “highs” include irritability and risky behaviors like excessively spending money. When I say excessive, I buy lots of things I don’t need like I have an unlimited amount of money and no bills to pay lol. I’ll go shopping and blow my money on useless things. Sometimes I won’t even remember what I bought until later on when it pops out of nowhere. Like when I look for something to wear in my closet, I would find a bunch of clothes with their tags still on that I bought probably a few months ago. This high usually lasts for a while, but not as long as my depression. After this high, I fall into a deep depression that I sometimes thought of hurting or killing myself. No suicide plans or attempts, just the thoughts of disappearing in this world. I had never intentionally cut my skin to bleed. I’ve held scissors in my hand intending to do so, but I snap out of it and cut my hair instead. Maybe give myself some bangs, some layers here and there, or chop it all off. Oh well! I love having long hair, so I guess cutting my hair was hurting myself in a way.

I told my doctor I wanted to hold off on switching medications because I’m probably going through a phase and wanted to wait until after the new year. Welp, here I am now… three panic attacks in less than one week? Ha! I was at church yesterday, but I had to walk out because I felt it coming. I started crying and hyperventilating as I was leaving. I stayed in the truck and focused on my breathing and heart rate. I’m fine again.

Ughhhhh. It’s frustrating. I want to feel better. Feel “normal.” (what even is normal) Be stable. I don’t want to take medications anymore, but I have remind myself to look at it in this way:

“It’s okay to be on medication. I know you know this because you’re a nurse, but I’m going to tell you anyway. I have patients who need psych meds say ‘Oh no! I don’t want to put those chemicals in my body.’ Then I say ‘Okay, I’m not going to give you insulin even though you have diabetes because you don’t want any chemicals in your body. Insulin is a chemical.’ See, you know your body needs insulin if your diabetic. Your pancreas cannot make it on its own. Just like your brain–it’s an organ, and sometimes there’s chemicals that your brain doesn’t make or make enough of. You need a little help from medications. And that’s okay. The only thing that sucks is the time it takes to find that right combination. So it’s okay. You’re okay.” – Joanne O., APN

She definitely made me feel better. She helped me realize that it’s okay to need medications and therapy.

So yeah… I’ve been struggling these days. I’m still going through a lot and I’m still working on accepting myself. But I have faith in God and in myself. I’ll be okay. I’m okay.

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